This Is It
by magnusalec
Summary: Post-COLS you have been warned! Basically takes place after Magnus walks away from Alec and Maureen is gone.
1. Chapter 1

Gone, in under 10 minutes everything was gone. Memories swirled around Alec's mind like a group of moths, brushing their wings against him teasingly, never fully, just enough to leave him shivering.

_Call me._

He gasped, remembering those words -the first words he'd every said to him- felt like a blow to the chest far more painful than any wound he has ever gotten fighting demons. Staggering into a wall, he slides down into a sitting position, knees tucked to his chest. He keeps repeating in his mind that he needs to get it together, right now. But how can he? His heart is breaking. How does one deal with heartbreak when you have never dealt with heartbreak such as this one before?

Now he understands why Izzy never let anyone close enough to break through her metaphorical emotional walls. His whole being seems to ache right down to feet. Guilt rushes over him, he has never felt this guilty before. Ever. Distantly he recognizes the rattling of pipes above him, the scurry of rats, the smell of grime and dirt. He's still in the abandoned subway station. Maureen is gone.

He breathes in shakily, running a hair through his hair. The smell of sandalwood assults his senses. His shirt clings to his top, damp with sweat dispite the coolness of the tiles pressed against him from below and behind.

He aches.

Sandalwood was always their smell. When he inhales the scent of sandalwood he thinks of Magnus.

_Magnus._

Just the name makes his eyes water, two syllables and he can feel himself crumbling like an old building on fire. He breathes deeply in and out.

He regrets.

How could he have done that? How could he even considered taking away his love's immortality just for someone as simple as him? Self-hatred smothers him, he has ruined his first real relationship. He let himself get sucked in to Camille's manipulating ways. He should have known better. Should have turned down her offer and killed her when he got the chance, when she she was chained to a pole and had no means of escaping.

And now Magnus, his first kiss, his first everything, has walked away from him. Has told him to go back to their- _his_ apartment, get his things and leave his key behind.

He picks himself up off of the cold wall. He didn't realise it until then but he can feel tears running down his face, making their way down his cheeks before dripping onto the green tiles. He sniffles and wishes he could be a better person. He has let so many people down.

And he hates himself for it.

He remembers.

Alec stands and stares at the apartment door, willing himself to go in but not having the strength to. He has gone through that door numerous times, but there has always been someone on the other side of it to greet him with kisses and terms of endearment. And, this may be the last time he ever goes in that apartment, the last time he ever gets to look at this door again.

So he stares.

After another 10 minutes of staring mindlessly at the door, he grasps the handle and turns it. The door swings open and he steps inside.

The first thing that hits him is the smell, sandalwood and some kind of fruity colonge. Always the same two smells but he never had appreciated it until now.

He takes it all in, after all this is the last time he'll ever be here. Magnus didn't want to see him ever again. His heart clenches.

He walks around the apartment aimlessly for about an hour. He's starting to feel numb and wonders if that is a good thing or a bad thing. He's glad he isn't crying, he has always hated crying. Shadowhunters aren't meant to cry.

He vaguely gets all of his things, his sweaters, ridden with holes, out of the closet. Magnus always complained about him needing new clothes. He sees one of his more nicer shirts near the corner of the room, looking like it was thrown over there carelessly and walks over to it, picking it up and running his hands over the fabric, remembering how it got to be where it was.

_"Magnus.. I need to go." Alec gasped, as Magnus licked a line from his collarbone to his earlobe, before tugging on it lightly with his teeth. Alec whimpered quietly. _

_"Do you really, Alexander?" Magnus breathed in reply, his breath hot against Alec's ear. _

_Magnus and himself had just gotten back from a date, and Alec had opted to wear one of his nicest shirts. His boyfriend being the man he was, had told him all night how delicious he looked and that he couldn't wait to get back to their apartment. Alec had just blushed, secretly wishing the same thing._

_But just as they were on their way up the stairs, he got a call from Isabelle, telling him there was a demon spotted in an alley near Central Park. Sighing a little at not getting to spend time with the warlock he loved, he told her he would be there in 10 minutes, tops._

_The thing was Magnus didn't want the night to end on that note. As soon as they were in the apartment he had pushed Alec up against the door and promptly started kissing his neck, leaving Alec with a little problem, well two 'little' problems. _

_"Yeah.. I..Uh..Need to go.." Alec stuttered, as Magnus's hands ran up and around his torso, rucking up his shirt before his hands wandered up, touching his skin lightly. _

_"But the night is still young, why leave?" The warlock stated, while pushing himself closer to Alec. He had stopped kissing his neck but now he had Alec pinned with his eyes. His pupils dilated as he saw Alec bite his lip and arch into his hands that were roaming his abdomen lightly. _

_"Because.." Alec managed to struggle out. "There's a demon and Izzy can't go alone." _

_Magnus tilted his head to the side. "She has Jace." _

_Alec whined softly as he felt Magnus's hips slide teasingly agaisnt his. His boyfriend just smirked. _

_"But.. but.." Alec tried to think of a comeback but what Magnus had said was true. Jace was there. Why call Alec when they were both perfectly capable?_

_The warlock leaned in, pressing their foreheads together. Breathing against his lips, "I promise you'll like it." _

_Alec shivered. Oh he knew he would. _

_His eyes slid shut languidly, before he heaved out a sigh of defeat. "Quickly."_

_Alec felt Magnus grin and suppressed the urge to grin back._

_"Whatever you want, darling." _

_Alec smiled softly as he felt Magnus's hand cup his cheek gently, his thumb caressing his lips lightly. _

_His boyfriend abrupty stepped back, making Alec's eyes open, albeit sluggishly, he was still caught up in a tide of love, lust and comfort. Cat like green-gold eyes met blue and Magnus winked before walking gracefully to the bedroom. _

_Alec practically skipped after him. _

Coming back to himself, he stares mindlessly at the top in his hands, thrown in the corner when passion had consumed them both. They hadn't cared about clothes in that particular moment.

Detached he throws it back in the corner he doesn't want that top anymore.

He swiftly gathers everything that was his but stops at the blue scarf they had once quarreled about. It seemed like such a stupid thing to fight about now, insignificant.

But he had cared at the time. Sick of feeling left out of the loop that was Magnus' past. Sick of feeling as if he was just another love, something that could easily be forgotten about given 200 more years. Sick of feeling trivial. No matter what Magnus said, he could've said that he wasn't trivial 1000 times it still wouldn't have changed the fact that Magnus had been with 200 people and poor old Alec had only been with one.

He looks at the scarf, still numb. Technically it wasnt his, so how could he take it. He couldn't so he didn't.

He has everything in that belongs to him in his arms. Well, except his shirt but he doesn't want that anymore.

Stopping at the kitchen, he digs around in his pockets for the key. The key he was given by his boyfriend, so that he could stay at his house whenever he wanted. He feels cold all over. He feels hot all over. He feels like a mess.

He finds it and grips it tightly. This is it.

He slides it onto the counter, his hands are shaking. This is it.

He doesn't know what else to do so he gets a piece of paper and a pen and writes the first thing that comes to mind. This is it.

_I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. I'm sorry I hurt you. _

_-Alec_

Then he leaves. Tears sliding down his cheeks, sobs escaping his mouth. But inside he still doesn't feel anything. Numb.

This is it.

**A/N: Wow I feel sad now. Anyway, I may make a sequel to this where Alec drunk dials Magnus but it really depends on if I feel motivated. Ugh anyway feedback means alot so review away Malec shippers!**


	2. Chapter 2

Its been two weeks, two weeks since Magnus walked away from him. From their love and all they had together.

He doesn't feel any less heartbroken than he did when he left the apartment, it seems to somehow worsened. Not so much as an ache now but a stab to the heart everyday. A stab everytime he wakes up in the middle of the night, cold because he would usually have Magnus there to keep him warm. Another stab when he wakes up and he is in the Institute, alone in his blank bedroom. A stab when he sees Iz and Jace happy and inlove with their respective partners, wondering if had he not been so stupid that couldve been him. And another stab when he thinks about him, which is almost every minute.

Right now, he's sitting at the dining table, watching Izzy and Simon laugh and gaze at each other when they think the other is not looking. He still hasn't told his sister or Jace, but they know something is up, seeing how he is constantly in a state of obliviousness, watching the world pass him by.

He hates that he is this worked up over a break up, he always despised people who thought their life was over after the person they loved most left them. But now he sympathises, he mourns the love lost and the memories that seem to haunt him. He understands.

All he does these days is think. Think about all the things he had done that led to this. Think about why he deserves this. Think. Think. Think.

Jace sometimes asks him how Magnus is doing, and he puts on a smile and says;

"He's great."

Because he can't tell him-can't tell them. Can't tell them he messed up the best thing that had ever happenend to him. They'll be dissappointed and if it's one thing Alec has had enough of in his life it is disappointment.

He has disappointed everyone at some point or another and if he gets that look -the look of pure, plain and simple disappointment- again he thinks he just might break.

So, he still says he is going to see Magnus, still leaves the Institute, but instead he goes to a bar. He goes to a bar and orders drink after drink after drink. And somehow he doesn't get asked for ID, he just sits there and drowns his sorrow in alcohol.

It numbs him better than ice ever could.

But its also at times like those where all of his insecurities and vulnerabilities come out to play. He finds himself almost hysterical with the need to hear his voice. And thats when it goes downhill. He calls his phone, calls and calls. Sometimes Magnus will reject the call straight away, sometimes he'll let it ring out and thats when Alec will hear his voicemail. And for those 2 minutes he is almost content. Almost.

* * *

So, as he sits and observes Simon make a reference to a show he watches, and Iz to scrunch up her nose in a cute way before letting out an almost melodic laugh, he decides that he is going to go out again. Now, tonight, as soon as possible. He needs to get out.

He clears his throat quietly, making Iz and Simon look up at him, their attention making him squirm in his seat a little.

"Um.. Magnus and I.. we have a date planned." Alec murmurs, quiet, so quiet. Its like he doesn't even have the will to raise his voice a little. Pathetic.

Isabelle's eyes light up, her lips curving into a smile. "Of course, go have fun with your warlock, I'll see you tomorrow."

Simon gives him an encouraging smile, and he smiles back, because Simon isn't that bad. He's someone Alec could call a genuine friend and he respects the way he treats his sister. Well, he is infinitely better than a faerie at any cost.

"Thanks, see you lot later." He says while heading to the front door. Each step closer to numbness.

He walks out into the crisp air, breathing it in slowly, relishing the coldness and how it seems to wrap itself around his very being. Still, it isn't enough.

Soon enough he finds himself at a bar, ordering a drink and hastily snatching it up when it is served to him. He winces when it slides down his throat, leaving a burning sensation in its wake, but as he feels himself start to get warm and tingly he knows what he is doing is alright. Maybe not right now, but it will be later. He will thank himself sometime.

People sometimes give him odd looks, maybe it is because he is by himself, maybe it is because he looks like he is just about ready to just give up. But he can honestly say he really does not care. He doesn't care for their opinions.

* * *

He thinks he is up to his 7th drink now... maybe 9th.. he doesn't care. All he wants is to get out. The bar is suddenly too crowded, too stuffy and claustrophobic. He breathes harshly in and out, slamming a 50 dollar note on the bench and stumbles his way out.

His hands claw at his head. _What have you done? You stupid stupid idiot! You ruined everything! The one person you could be yourself around, loved you despite your flaws and ... you do this! Fix it. Fix it. Call him. _

He makes his way into an abandoned alley way and takes out his cell phone, determined to apologise, beg, plead, just hear his voice. Whatever it takes.

He dials the number that seems to be etched into his very soul.

The first ring cuts short.

The second ring cuts short.

The third ring almost goes through.

The fourth ring goes to voicemail. Alec almost cries.

The fifth ring and someone actually picks up.

"Stop calling me, Shadowhunter."

Before Alec can even begin to form a response it cuts out. He looks down at his phone, shocked.

He heard his voice.

As he finds a cheap hotel to stay in for the night, struggles to formulate sentences in the haze of alcohol, snuggles into a dirty bed without Magnus.

He smiles, just a little one, a little bit drunkenly too. But he smiles.

He drifts into unconciousness. Sounds of car horns and screaming in the distance, Alec falls asleep into a bed without Magnus. Without anyone. Only himself and his smile.

_You only know what I want you to_

_I know everything you don't want me to_

_Oh I don't love you but I always will _

_I always will_

**A/N: Omg hello everyone. I updated and yup I'm sorry but it is definitely not my best. Anyway please enjoy the angst and review!**

**Love you all!**

**(P.S: There may be another chapter idk, again, it depends on my level of motivation.)**


	3. Chapter 3

Magnus Bane sighs as he runs a hand across his face. Coarse stubble covers his jaw and feels rough on his fingertips. Eyes adjusting to the dimness in his room, he stumbles toward the incessant blaring of his mobile phone in his messy, take out container filled kitchen.

Glancing back at his digital clock on his bedside table, he reads that it is 2am. Who in their right mind calls someone at 2am?

Walking swiftly to the counter Magnus picks up his phone with deft hands. Squiting at the screen he looks at who is calling at this absurd hour.

_Alexander_

Magnus just about drops the phone. How dare he?!

Ever since the horrible night at the abandoned subway station, Magnus has missed Alec like crazy. But having lived almost 900 years he has become one stubborn warlock (who wouldn't if you literally had all the time in the world?) and refuses to give in to Alec. Which would be easy if he would stop calling him all the damn time

He knew the way he left things wasn't exactly ideal. All Magnus's mind could comprehend at the time was that Alec had been trying to take his immortality away, his_ life away. _

But still he yearns for Alec. Yearns for his shy smiles. The way Alec would wrap his arms around him almost hesitantly in the cold nights. Yearns for the shared laughs, his body and everything in between.

Heart break overrides yearning though. Magnus Bane feels like a train wreck and it's all because of an 18 year old Shadowhunter. Who would've thought?

He should have been more open with Alec. He knows that, but having 900 years of mistakes are not easy to tell the one you're in love with. He thought Alec might think of him differently. He's been with so many people and yet Alec was so much different and so much more special.

He thought Alec might have been the one. The one he chose to spend his life with. Lucifer knows he wouldn't have been able to live without him when -being a mortal- it was Alec time to grow old and leave him forever.

Alec is -_**was**_ his shining light, his beacon of hope in the world that had wronged him in so many ways. He was the innocence of the world, the one remaining thing in his life he had been so sure about. But then Alec had to ruin it all and betray him, and maybe a little part of him knew that Alec only did it because he wanted to be with him and only him for as long as he could and even then he wouldn't have gone through with it. Not his sweet, shy Alexander. Never him. But the wound still cut deep and he was still devastated and furious at the lack of trust Alec had shown in him.

Glaring at the screen now, he presses end call and turns around swiftly, determined to get more sleep.

_Riiiiiing!_

Growling in agitation, he spins back around, snatches up his phone presses end call _again,_ and turns it on silent before taking it into his room with him. He hops into bed again, closes his eyes and drifts in and out of sleep, well too aware that he has stayed on the side of his own bed that smells entirely much too like Alec.

XxXxXxX

Buzzing fills Magnus's head. It presses on his mind like a constant drill and he covers his head with his pillow against it. He feels the soft shift and slide of his silk sheets against his legs as he tries to get comfortable again. It is not long before he realizes that the buzz isn't coming from inside his mind but rather beside him on his bedside table.

He picks his phone up, the caller name blaring in his face.

_Alexander_

Magnus frowns. Picking up the phone he takes a steadying breath and presses answer.

The first words that come to mind make him cringe.

"_Stop calling me, Shadowhunter."_

He immediately ends the call and looks around his flat in wonder. How did his life become so complicated again?

Oh yes. That was right he got sucked in by the shy, handsome blue eyed boy.

He wishes things could go back to the way they were before. Now all he has is a dirty apartment filled with take-out containers, another 10 pounds to add onto his body weight from emotional eating and a cat that seems to miss Alec just as much as he does.

How can Magnus make things right again? Maybe there was something else to the story? Maybe Alec… No, he was plotting to take away his immortality without his consent. But… he was persuaded by Camille and knowing her, she could have easily manipulated his sweet Nephilim boyfriend.

But that still didn't excuse the fact that Alec didn't tell him about her offer. He should have, but he didn't and trust is supposed to be present in a relationship and they obviously had some issues to work on. Alec wasn't entirely to blame for that though. He knew Alec felt un-important or untrusted when Magnus refused to tell him of his past.

The past of Magnus Bane was a long one. He has met so many people along the way, some still as fresh in his memory as the day he met them and other faded and hazy like mist in a forest. He had been everywhere. Done everything and he thought maybe, just maybe, he could forget about his life before Alec and focus on the future.

Which is why he wanted to look at the Book of White. He had been thinking of the future ever since he met Alec. He didn't want to be without him, not for the rest of his days. He had rummaged through the Book of White in desperation. Looking for anything that would make him mortal, so he may grow old with Alec and see the world with him one final time, or for anything that would make Alec immortal without him becoming a vampire, so they could spend the rest of forever in each other's arms.

Magnus sighs again in his black boxer shorts and his grey singlet, devoid of all color, which is unusual as he usually has bright sleep wear as well as day wear. He feels loneliness creep up on him and decides to get more sleep. Sleeping is where you don't have to think about anything and Magnus craves the oblivion of it.

He crawls into bed -on to Alec's side of the bed- grabs the pillow that still smells of him and hugs it to his body. It's then that Magnus Bane starts to cry.

**A/N:**

**Why hello readers. It's been 4 months I think. Wow I'm very sorry oops. Anyway here is another chapter. Again same rules apply to the next chapter. No motivation to write = no chapter. Keep reviewing though! That motivates me! :p**


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